Yes, healing my own heart! I use everyday as a opportunity to live my life in a way that makes her proud, every accomplishment and obstacle I endure it mends a small place in my heart. I AM healing my own heart but I will always have a place in my heart for her!
I lost her the day she passed.
Candidly, I felt her transition begin the day the doctors informed me she would not beat her cancer.
My mother was always so vibrant and healthy.
I can recall early inklings of sickening, sinking feeling in the pit my stomach thinking about anything happening to my mother. I feared a car accident or some other untimely death. With all my anxiety, never would I have imagined that my mother would develop pancreatic cancer. Worse still, getting this diagnosis when there was nothing to do but wait for her to succumb to the disease. I will never know if it was her lack of routine check ups, her lifelong habit of smoking cigarettes, stress or her reticence to see a doctor when she started to have symptoms that allowed this disease to get to its last stages, seemingly, out of nowhere. Her lack of health insurance and life insurance just made the situation simply unbearable. I remember my mother’s last comprehendible words to me were, “I am sorry”, before the morphine took her to a place of nirvana. Her words have imprinted my soul since that very day. I can’t know, definitely, what she was apologizing for…maybe because she was leaving me in this world without her, or maybe because she didn’t have life insurance or maybe because I took the news of her illness like a whimpering child. Her first words to me after her diagnosis was “I prayed about it and I will be alright. I need for you to be strong!” Strong! Strength was my only choice, then. What else could I embody? I had to deal with her illness and take control of every aspect of her life. They refused to do any surgeries or treatments and referred us to hospice. My life stood stock-still waiting – just waiting – from the day of her diagnosis, August 29, 2012 until the moment she died, October 25, 2012 at 7:03 am.
It’s been three years since her passing and I still mourn her on a daily bases. I can, truly, say that I am healing my own heart with help from God. Yes, healing my own heart! I use everyday as a opportunity to live my life in a way that makes her proud, every accomplishment and obstacle I endure it mends a small place in my heart. I AM healing my own heart but I will always have a place in my heart for her!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight -Proverbs 3: 5-6